One of those days when you’re worn out and tired of people misunderstanding you.When you’re tired and hurt of people telling you to be more patient even though you’re the one who’s been waiting all along. You’ve been waiting all this while to be your normal self. You’ve been waiting for you to have your lost appetite to be good again. You’ve been waiting for you to contribute around, in the ways you used to. You’ve been waiting for coming out of your rut. You’ve been waiting for all the moments worth cherishing, worth sharing and worth creating. You’ve just been waiting. But you finally realize that your waiting for all that you’ve been missing wasn’t worth it and so you decide to take the high road. You decide to let go of all the bitterness, of all the bottled up feelings, and all the things you’ve wanted so badly to be expressed that you want to scream.

You look at your life in hindsight and you realize that you’ve always nailed it. You’ve always fought situations with all your might and you’ve never ever given up. You realize that you were always your own hero. People got inspired for who you were. People kept you on a pedestal and you made sure you never let them down. In fact you made them extraordinary with you because a good leader doesn’t ever create more followers; a true leader creates more leaders. You cared enough to make them feel that they always have your back. You loved them enough to make sure that what they’ve invested in you – their faith, always is worthy of putting in you in the first place. More than anything else, you always took willingly that extra step to hold them just because they don’t ever fall. Yet, today you find yourself alone. Alone, standing at the edge wondering what drove you so far.

You keep on thinking and thinking and you finally sink it in. You sink it all in. You know now that the only person who drove you so far is ‘you.’ The only reason you came so far is ‘you.’ You realize that all the while when you kept waiting for the world to understand you in your crisis, the world was just waiting for you to get up on your own and rise up. All the time when you were waiting for the world to pat your back for your efforts, and appreciate you for all that you did, the world was waiting to get back to you for not doing enough. All the time when you were hoping that the world around will hold you tight and do for you exactly what you did, the world was cursing you for not being able to deal with your adversity yourself. In fact blaming you for running away each time. What the world didn’t realize was that you didn’t run from situations or from people. You never were a coward. Had you been one, you would have never taken that extra step to let people in your life at their worse and give them your best. You ran because you knew you were suffocated. You ran because you wanted to restore your normal self and make even more space in your life for the people who matter. But they never got it.

Gratitude is such a rare human quality. Isn’t it? No matter how much you make way for people, they’ll always want you to make more way for them..And the moment you need them to the do the same for you, they blame you for being ‘weak’. Blame you for expecting too much out of them. Irony is, you considered them much better, they themselves didn’t. You feel like screaming out so loud that your voice reaches out there. You want to yell, fight, argue, just burst out and vent everything out and you do. You keep doing it in expectation of people understanding the basic sentiment behind your melt down. But that doesn’t really happen since somehow the entire blame for your meltdown is also on you…And that’s when you decide to let go. Let go off the bitterness, let go of the anger, let go of all that you were expecting will help you ‘heal’ . You just shut down completely. You embrace silence. You don’t want to express anything anymore since when you tried to reach out , you were just not understood. Somewhere you hope that when you get back to your normal self, things will get better. Time heals a lot. But somehow if that doesn’t happen, and the world doesn’t stop to ponder over even once so as to why you had that meltdown, then i guess, you know it just wasn’t worth it. You learn a life lesson that you always had your heart in the right place, they didn’t.

But you take the high road and you forgive because no matter how hard you try to turn into a b***h, you can’t. That’s you. No matter how hard you try to despise everything and everyone, you’ll still be there for them. Always. That is why they are ‘they’ and you are ‘you’. Only difference will be that this time you won’t lose your ‘self’ because you know you worth. You know the fact that whatever people are thinking or not thinking like they should have; it is you to whom they turned every time because they knew you will take them.  You realize that the entire crisis you have been facing has been the biggest life lesson for you. It has taught you to love yourself even more. It has taught you that gratitude is rare and you’re happy that you possess it. It has taught you that you were never supposed to think that things are wrong with you because you didn’t create the situations. It taught you to  listen to your own voice – your innermost voice and hear it so loud and clear that all the voices outside are rendered silent.

You didn’t ever get needy. You didn’t ever turn insensitive. More than anything else, you didn’t ever turn your back on people who matter. You acted like a sponge happily since you cared enough. You still do.You might have been blunt but never unfair. You might have made yourself distant but never abandoned people. You might have lost your temper but never your humanity.

Today a friend of mine told me, “Stop killing yourself  for us.” Guess that is what the gist of all of this is.

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